Meeting You Where You Are

Meeting you where you are.  It’s something we hear a lot about as lactation consultants.  Meet moms where they are.  And it’s maybe one of the most difficult things we are called to do.  Clinical skills, while ever evolving as new evidence and research comes out, are relatively easy to master.  You can read, attend lectures, practice, and you’re set. 

Meeting mothers where they are though, that is difficult.  It means that you first have to figure out where they are.  Are they having a hard time?  Are they conflicted about anything?  Is motherhood and breastfeeding different than they expected?  Is it what they expected, but they are having a more difficult time coping with the change than they thought?  All of those questions that allow you to figure out how each woman is feeling emotionally, mentally, and physically.  Once you figure out where they are, you figure out how to get them from that point to where they want to be.  For some mother’s, that means getting the baby to stop clenching its jaw so it doesn’t hurt anymore.  For others, it means giving them realistic expectations about normal breastfeeding patterns and normal infant behavior.  For others, it means having compassion and empathy and being a safe place to talk about the difficulties that come with being a mother and breastfeeding. 

But lactation consultants are human; we have our own experiences that shape us.  Sometimes, meeting mothers where they are triggers memories and emotions and expectations in us.  That is where meeting mothers where they are becomes difficult.  We are still called to support women, even when it is hard for us.  Keeping some things in mind can make this easier.

-          Each woman’s experience is their own.  It doesn’t matter how difficult their situation is in the grand scheme of things.  It only matters how difficult it is to them.  We can use our knowledge of the grand scheme to help map out how that particular process is likely to go.  But, we should never use that knowledge to judge a woman on how she is reacting, how hard it is to her, or the choices she’s making.  Judgment just drives a wedge between us and the mother.  How is a mother to trust us if we’re judging her?  She can’t, and if she can’t trust us, she’s not going to follow our breastfeeding advice.

-          No one is ever going to make every choice we want them to make.  We’re all different, we’re all going to make different choices, and that’s ok.  Don’t take it personally, don’t judge it.  It’s just how life works.

-          Not everyone is going to make the same choices we made.  It can be really frustrating to be helping a mother who is going through the same things you went through, but is making different choices.  But, we have the gift of hindsight, experience, knowledge, and support. No one has the same life experiences, so even if a mother is having the same breastfeeding problems you did, doesn’t mean she has the knowledge base, support, desires, finances, etc. to be able to make the same choices you did.  That doesn’t make her choices any less valid.  It doesn’t say anything at all about the choices you made.

-          We are just as human as the women we serve.  Sometimes the situations we have difficulty empathizing with are similar to difficult situations in our own lives, either past or present.  Birth and breastfeeding are life changing experiences.  If we had difficult births or breastfeeding experiences, being exposed to them every day can trigger us.  Self care to process through our own experiences can be immensely helpful, both personally and professionally. 

Lactation consulting allows us access to women in some of their most vulnerable moments.  We should use that access to have empathy and compassion, like we all hope we receive when we’re vulnerable.

“Sympathy is easy because it comes from a position of power.  Empathy is getting down on your knees, looking someone in the eye, and realizing that you could be them, and all that separates you is luck.” – Dennis Lehane.